Grizzly Ass-Dumbs

One thing I must say I missed about doing this blog is that while there is rarely a shortage of commercials to write something about, it's only periodically that you see an ad so ridiculous that you feel like you have to write something about it.  I don't plan on revisiting too many old ads from our fallow period unless they're still airing, but this one... requires comment.

Oh boy.

Dad Bear: "I'm not picking it up.  You pick it up."
Mom Bear: "I'm not picking it up!"
Dad Bear: "Somebody's gotta pick it up!"

Given that these are the Charmin bears, I'm sort of alarmed by what I'm supposed to think is happening in the first five seconds of this commercial, with the forced underneath perspective.  "I can't believe Junior just did a massive shit on the rug!  I mean, we are bears, so it totally figures, but why did we even pay for that animal trainer to teach us all to use human toilets if it wasn't going to take?" 

[cut to reveal it's a pair of underwear on the floor]
Son Bear: "I'll pick it up: they're clean!  Because, my hiney's clean!  Oh yeah, I'm Charmin clean!"

I really don't even know where to begin with this one.  First off, I don't need to hear the word "hiney" in a television commercial or, frankly, anywhere.  I also don't need to see a child character shaking his ass at me, even if he's just an animated bear.  And why is this a SONG?  (And barely a song at that.  I too can start the "hip-hop demo" on a Casio and then awkwardly talk over it, Charmin.)  Also, in a world where it's absolutely fine to casually talk about the condition of children's feces-encrusted asses on television, it's hard to take seriously the idea of parents being terrified to pick up a pair of their child's underwear just because it might have a few skidmarks.  Isn't "getting your kid's shit on you while changing a diaper so many times that you become inured to it" basically a critical component of the parenting experience?  Admittedly, I don't have kids, but that's what I've always been led to believe.

But the kicker to this ad is that it also just DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.  You know why?  Because of course that pair of underwear is sparkling clean: THE BEARS DON'T WEAR UNDERWEAR AND THEY NEVER HAVE!!!!!!!!  WHAT THE FUCK????  There was a whole commercial years ago where one bear sees pieces of toilet paper stuck to another bear's ass because THE ASS IS JUST OUT IN THE OPEN BECAUSE BEARS DON'T WEAR CLOTHES, TO INCLUDE UNDERWEAR.

I don't remember if there's never ever been a single piece of Charmin advertising in which any of the bears had underwear on, but in the vast majority of cases, anyway, they simply don't.  No one ELSE in this ad is wearing underwear!  The kid isn't wearing underwear when he fucking Joel Goodsons it into the bathroom!  Maybe the parents were so horrified by the idea of picking up the underwear not because they thought it was going to be full of skidmarks but because they had literally never seen this kind of object before, and were confused and scared about how it got into their house.  They actually never had to change their kid's diapers because he's a FUCKING BEAR and never wore diapers.  He just shit in the woods, like bears do.  This bear family probably lived in the woods until just a couple years ago, when they took over one of those empty houses in the Vegas suburbs or whatever.  Kind of remarkable that using toilet paper was the first hallmark of the bears adopting human customs before putting on clothes, but then it's gotta be hard to find briefs that are going to fit a grizzly's hindquarters.  Probably had to special order those things.

I'm not even going to deal with the rest of this ad in which the kid keeps "singing" and the dad starts dancing, yet more flagrant editorializing of how great a ridiculously terrible "song" is.  But my word.  Sure, it's ridiculous to treat the lore of Charmin commercials seriously, but did nobody really think it mattered if they made an ad revolving around the use of an item that the characters in the ad don't use?

Daisy: I Put That Sh*t on EVERYTHING

Considering my stated annoyance with products that weirdly undersell themselves in the last post, you'd think that I'd appreciate a company going all the way in the other direction.  You'd be wrong.

 

To be fair, I do kind of appreciate the earnestness on display here.  But it is possible to go too far.

Song: "With Daisy Sour Cream, every bite gets better / every dollop, every dip, every moment together"

Building an entire ad campaign around the word "dollop," which I can't say I necessarily associate with appetizing food amounts, is certainly a choice.  I'm also baffled by the choice to make this song - which is really just nauseatingly committed - diegetic.  I would probably be at least ten percent less annoyed if I didn't have to see these ridiculous people lip-syncing to the fucking Daisy Sour Cream song like it's their favorite pop hit.  Just have them dancing around the kitchen!  It's fine!  Why do we also need to pretend this song is good?

Song: "Top it off, take a dip, tastes so good, it's a hit when you do / Do a dollop of Daaaaaaaisy"

The amount of sour cream these people have in their fridge (along with bowls of loose produce, the way everyone definitely does in real life) is pretty alarming, although kudos for not having one of those commercial fridges that contains nothing but the product being pitched.  But I guess you need that much sour cream when you are putting one to two tablespoons' worth on absolutely everything you're eating.  Maybe this family simply is to sour cream what the Stotler family is to milk.

Frankly, I'm more concerned about the amount of food.  I was watching this ad expecting a party to break out - there are tacos, baked potatoes, a vegetable plate, multiple bowls of chips and dip, steaks... and this is all apparently for four people, one of whom is what, six years old?

Song: "Good food tastes better with a dollop of Daisy / Do a dollop, do, do, a dollop, yeah"

Wait, only good food?

Song: "Everything tastes better with a dollop of Daisy!"

Oh, okay.  That's a relief.

Having watched this more times than I care to admit, I guess this is actually two different families, so I'm forced to withdraw my concern regarding the amount of food to some extent, although the table at the end still features an awful lot of food - baked potatoes and green beans and a salad and a crudites platter AND a bread basket?  Also, while the (I'm assuming they're supposed to be) father and daughter in the beginning actually seem to be putting sour cream on everything they're eating, the family at the end is really using surprisingly little given the song.  Let's see some sour cream on that salad!  Why do you even have two containers out on the table if you've already added a sedate amount to your baked potatoes and seem to be set?  I guess you never know when the mood might strike and you might want to ladle some into your lemonade.

As silly as having a song like that about sour cream is, it could be worse.  This one is a couple years old at this point, but insane jingles never go out of style:

 

Berries are literally sold in plastic containers, right?  Why did you need to dirty multiple bowls solely for storage purposes?  Okay whatever.

Song: "Only Daisy cottage cheese will do / only Daisy cottage cheese will do"

Can we be really honest about something?  When was the last time you purchased cottage cheese?  When was the last time anyone under the age of 60 did?  Obviously they wouldn't still make it if someone weren't buying it, but while I can recall cottage cheese in the house when I was a kid, I have never purchased it even once as an adult as far as I remember.  There's a reason for that, by the way, which is that it's kind of weird and gross and I don't see a single use of it in this commercial where I wouldn't rather use yogurt (that parfait) or crème fraîche (that avocado/tomato toast thing which to be fair I would never eat in a million years anyway) or even Daisy sour cream!

Song: "Satisfying and fresh / So creamy and delish"

Fuck you.  Also, I love that the food being shown during this line is a massive pile of diced vegetable chunks with some cottage cheese dumped on top, aka History's Most Depressing Lunch.  This is probably a pretty big clue as to who the commercial is actually trying to appeal to - you can tell me it's "satisfying" and "creamy" all you want, but that pile of rabbit food screams "Hey dieters!  Cottage cheese!  You need some calories if you don't want to faint in the office at 3 pm!"

Song: "Only Daisy cottage cheese will do / only Daisy cottage cheese will do / so tasty, so pure / can I have a little more / only Daisy cottage cheeeese..."

The implication in this last part is that people are having chips with a cottage cheese dip and eating lasagna made with cottage cheese, both of which are absolutely horrifying concepts.  I'm actually a little surprised this commercial doesn't make it a lot clearer that cottage cheese is supposed to be a "light option," because there's no way in a million years that I would even consider making cottage cheese lasagna normally.  This is the kind of ad that should have one of those voiceovers that's like "Daisy cottage cheese has half the calories of [whatever it's replacing] and tasted better in a national survey!"  But I guess when you have a solid gold hit pouring out of the speakers, there's just no room for anything else.  Only "Only Daisy Cottage Cheese Will Do" will do!