Back to square one

I keep saying this. But I guess I have to keep saying it.

WHAT is the point of making commercials that shit on people for LIKING YOUR PRODUCT?

Kathryn: "When you see Wendy's square hamburger, you know you're getting the best."

Do I know that? Of the big three hamburger-based fast food chains I suppose I would rate the Wendy's hamburger first, but fortunately there are more than three places in this country that sell hamburgers.

Kathryn: [sounding exasperated] "Guess who else knows that? Reggie Miller."

I know Reggie Miller is still in broadcasting but it is very of a piece with the commercial tendency to focus on 25-year-old references to have your big pitchman be a guy who retired in 2005. Was this actress even born when Reggie Miller was drafted in 1987? (Google does not seem to have the answer but it looks unlikely.)

Reggie Miller: [dancing] "Hamburgers, Willy! Hamburgers!"

I appreciate Reggie Miller being game to embarrass himself like this. He's not exactly an actor, but he commits about as hard as I imagine he's capable of, especially in his late 50s. So then one of the Wendy's employees is inspired to dance along with Reggie and gets immediately shouted down by his co-worker.

Voiceover: "When you want a hamburger worth celebrating..."
Reggie: "Square's the beef!"

This is actually a pretty good tagline which I can't believe they only just seem to have thought of. But is this hamburger worth celebrating or not? Reggie Miller is shown celebrating it, but our lead Wendy's employee seems to find this pretty irritating. Other Wendy's employees are seemingly not allowed to celebrate it. This burger is worth celebrating! But just realize that if you do, you're an annoying asshole!

This is more or less in line with what I believe were the original Wendy's ads with Reggie Miller from a few years ago, where Reggie moves into the Wendy's during March Madness so he can wake up and immediately get their breakfast items, or whatever. This same Kathryn (the actress's real name, actually) was shown being extremely annoyed by his presence then, too. The message: if you're a Wendy's superfan, that's annoying as fuck! I mean, don't get me wrong: it would be very annoying if a loud 6'7" guy was suddenly in your workplace 24/7, sleeping in a large bed in the middle of the work area. But you're making a choice to depict "Wendy's superfan Reggie Miller" in this fashion. You didn't have to make your biggest fan such a pain in the ass! Why? Clearly the answer is "because it would be funny" but I think you can guess what my response to that is gonna be.

There's actually another ad in this series where the employees do get on board with Reggie's celebrating, and then for some reason they all find it overly weird that Kathryn does a "rock the baby" and the whole thing falls apart. That's still not very funny, but it's a better concept for an ad because at least it doesn't run with the premise that liking Wendy's to a degree of mild comic exaggeration makes you a fucking jerkoff.

The man your woman could smell like

Once upon a time, Old Spice ads were aimed at men. And just like most ads aimed directly at men, they focused on implying that using their product would attract hot women to you. Like this one. Models want to fuck a dude who smells like Old Spice, bro! Get you some! But thanks to a pioneering 2010 campaign, all that changed. I know you all remember this ad:

We never talked about this one on the old blog, and it's obvious why: everyone liked this ad, including us. It was huge! Very few brands keep 13-year-old commercials active on their official YouTube channels, but with 61 million views and counting, Old Spice knows this one has to be up there, even now. Looking back, you could argue that there's still some sexism at play here, particularly in the idea that a real man shouldn't "smell like a lady." I think this ad can mostly get away with it because of the overall archness of the tone, and anyway it was 2010; ads could have a little sexism, as a treat.

In any event, there's a gulf of difference between this ad and, let's just say, the Dr. Pepper Ten ad that clearly tried to ape this general aesthetic but just ended up playing the Goofus to Isaiah Mustafa's Gallant. This ad is pitched at women. It's right there in the copy: Hello, ladies! Are you unsatisfied that your man doesn't have a "manly smell" after bathing? Well, we have a product that will solve that! Frankly, by acknowledging women as purchasers of products other than, like, tampons and kitchen supplies, this campaign was way ahead of a lot of its competitors. Who is more likely to make the body wash purchasing decision for the household? And who is more likely to care what "their man" smells like? Yes, there's a whiff of sexism, but I think it can be forgiven in context. (By comparison, Dr. Pepper Ten told women to fuck right off and was rightly rewarded with low sales and eventual discontinuation just seven years after its launch, and if you think I'm not gonna take a lap on that one after getting flambéed in the comments of that post you've got another think coming.)

Interestingly, this modern Old Spice ad I saw recently seems to be continuing the pitch to women. But I feel like it's gotten a little jumbled:

Deon: "Admit it: you used my Old Spice body wash."
Gabrielle: "Of course... I'm not letting hotel soap near my skin."
La La: "Pray."
Deon: "Now I'm gonna be ashy."
La La: "It's the lavender and mint for me."
Savannah: "Get that-"
Deon: "Savannah, if you don't get your moisturized hands off my body wash..."

I think I've made it clear enough that I have no particular use for gender stereotypes, but this is still Old Spice we're talking about. Lavender, really? I mean, name me a LESS stereotypically male scent. The pitch has apparently shifted from "get our product so your man doesn't smell like a lady" to "actually you're gonna want your man to smell like a lady in case you need to steal his shit."

This series of ads has actually been running since 2019, I found out while researching this post, and the plot of basically all of them is the same: Gabrielle keeps using all of Deon's Old Spice products because they just smell so good and are also extremely effective moisturizers. This feels like the real signal that this campaign is targeting women, because it doesn't seem that appealing to tell a man "buy our product and your wife/girlfriend will keep using it all up." Ads where one person keeps getting their favorite product stolen from them are usually selling children's breakfast cereal, but it's not like Lucky Charms is trying to market itself to actual leprechauns.

The tagline, "Men have skin too," implies a probably overdue shift in thinking - it's okay for a man to have softer, healthier skin, rather than hands that could double as their own exfoliating gloves. To the extent that this ad is still aimed more at women, I guess the point is "this product will help your man have better skin and hey, it's so good even you could use it in a pinch!" Sort of reminds me of the old Secret deodorant "strong enough for a man, but made for a woman" tagline, only in reverse. "Moist enough for a woman, but made for a man!" To be fair, I can see why they didn't go with that one.

I do have to call bullshit on the entire setup of that ad, though. The premise is that Gabrielle Dennis' skin looks like that and you're telling me she doesn't travel with an entire trunk full of every possible moisturizing product? Okay.

Red Bull gives you migraines

For what it's worth, I don't think I've ever liked a Red Bull ad, not least because roughly 95% of them suggest that Red Bull will either make you into a genius or a sexual superhero. But this one might take the cake for sheer idiocy.

Parrot #2: "It's not like the good old days."
Parrot #4: "It's not like the good old days!"
Parrot #1: "It's not like the good old days."
Parrots: [in unison] "It's not like the good old days!"
Parrot #6: "Stop parroting everything!"

It's funny, you see, because they're parrots.

Parrot #6: "Instead, drink a Red Bull, and think for yourselves!"

Red Bull - a global brand that sold more than 11.5 billion cans last year alone - has the single biggest share of the energy drink market and is apparently the third-most valuable soft drink brand behind only Coke and Pepsi. There is nothing more grating than massive multinational corporations running ads claiming that true individuals use their products, just like hundreds of millions of other people.

[The parrots drink out of cans of Red Bull]
Parrot #4: "Since when do you dictate what we do?"
Parrot #2: "Exactly! You're not the boss of us!"
Parrot #1: "Power to the people!"
[Parrots #1-5 fly away]

Wow, that Red Bull sure inspired those parrots to stop saying the most generic conformist things and to start saying... the most generic nonconformist things. Thank goodness you were here, skinny cans of battery acid!

Parrot #6: "Ah, well... individuality often complicates things."

...what exactly is the message of this ad? Is Red Bull supposed to be a positive thing in this scenario? I've talked before about ads in which the people using the product are seen within the world of the ad to be unpleasant, and I've also talked before about ads which show the use of the product to be unpleasant, but somehow this one manages to do both. The parrots are annoying before they drink Red Bull, and they're annoying after they drink Red Bull. They also don't particularly seem to enjoy it or have any interest in thanking Parrot #6 for bringing it to them or helping to "vitalize their body and mind" (fuck off, by the way). I guess being forced to drink Red Bull is the only way you can truly have your eyes opened to the fact that you have no interest in drinking Red Bull. (The alternate explanation is simply that the Red Bull did not work, which in some ways would be a welcome turn from the brand's usual gross overstatement but is also a pretty weird choice for an ad for Red Bull.)

But then, ads have always been like this, right? Who can forget that famous Coke ad:

Kid: "Mr. Greene? You need any help?"
Mean Joe Greene: "Uh-uh."
Kid: "Want my Coke?"
Mean Joe Greene: "No, no."
Kid: "Really, you can have it."
[Mean Joe drinks Coke]
Kid: "Well, see you around."
Mean Joe Greene: "Hey kid..."
[Kid turns around]
Mean Joe Green: "That fucking sucked. I'm gonna be dehydrated! Who the fuck do you think you are anyway? This is the players' tunnel, you little shithead. How did you even get back here? Go back to your shitty parents before I have security drag you out of here."
[Kid bursts into tears]
[Mean Joe gives the camera a grin and a thumbs-up; freeze frame]
Peppy singers: "Have a Coke and a smiiiiiile!"